angst
i think the night's getting to me. i'm getting all emo and insecure now.
i think i'll make that cut. now. so long world...
i think i'm off to cry myself to sleep. really.
why this is even considered public i have no idea. maybe i want people to think i'm some emo kid. maybe not.
i don't even know what i want.
maybe it's just getting so hard.
i hate you. really. i do. no, i don't. i love you. how can i hate you and love you? it just doesn't make sense. nth does.
maybe i need sth to get it off my mind.
the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. i just hate being so... i don't know. it's not even about the insecurities anymore. i don't know what the heck is wrong with me.
i think it's just the weariness i get of putting up this strong front week after week. no, it's not the act macho shit thing. i don't give a crap abt that. it's more of not stumbling people, esp in church. can i just cry and say i had a shitty week? i can't. can i cry and say i fought with my parents? i can't. i can't because people look up to me, and i have to be strong for them. but those motivations are just extrinsic. what about me?
and though i hate associating iris with being teenybopperish and emo, it perfectly and adequately describes how i feel.
and i don't want the world to see me
cos i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
yeah. i hate being emo. i think i hate myself. i don't know. this is just so screwed. and i could never post this on my other blog. that's the general perception of who i am. but is this facade of a blog really me?
i'm scared. i'm scared i'll mess up. i'm scared i'll fail. i'm scared i just won't be good enough. i'm scared that my efforts will amount to nth. i'm scared i'll lose you. i'm scared i'll lose more than you. i'm scared i'll lose so much more.
i think i'll go spend time with god. i'll go into a time of worship and shutting everything out. he's the only one who's always there, even at 2 am in the morning.
1:49 AM
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006
girlfriends
convo with desmond. my sense of humour amuses me. too sexy to study is my line!!11oneone
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
jc quite cool though.
how does one study with "bapbapbap, bap to da top!" playing in the fuckin background??? || too sexay to studay says:
haha
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
:P
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
can tutor me.
how does one study with "bapbapbap, bap to da top!" playing in the fuckin background??? || too sexay to studay says:
lol
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
like some hot tuition tchr.
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
[:
how does one study with "bapbapbap, bap to da top!" playing in the fuckin background??? || too sexay to studay says:
aiyo
how does one study with "bapbapbap, bap to da top!" playing in the fuckin background??? || too sexay to studay says:
kinky >.>
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
excuse to spend time ma.
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
then i'll like studying
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
it's like 3 in 1 coffee.
10:31 AM
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biatch
i shall continue bitching. really.
omg that stupid biatch is damn parasitic. i swear she makes supposed friends cos they're good at subjects she isn't. well, she's blardy stupid anw. it's just damn sickening to see her hop around and hang around with _______ for math (it does not mean that's the number of letters in the name) and ________ for bio. and who knows what she does in chem. i swear she'll grow up to become this hooker who'll sleep with anyone and everyone for money. when that happens, i pay this guy with stds to go have sex with her and bring her closer to death. when she dies it should be a public holiday. rahhhh.
people are hardworking now, but she's just leeching. wth. she's damn stupid! she doesn't know what a nucleotide is! omg. that's just the epitome of stupidity! i don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
i hate stupidity, maybe cos i damn proud i'm quite smart. but when you're stupid, and you don't try, and you leech, that just sucks.
9:31 AM
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sleeeepyyyy
and it's only 9.05am! i can't believe only civics has passed, when it seems like half the day is gone...
i was thinking whether this post belongs here or in the other blog, but i think i'll post it here.
thinking about it, blogs are quite hypocritical in nature. they are "public diaries", in someone's words. we blog what we want others to perceive us as. rahhh. this is too deep for this blog! i shall not perverse the innocence of this blog.
i hate ______. i hate ______. i hate ______. i think she's such a biatch. really. gahh. everyone's back from break alr. time to go.
9:13 AM
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
oh happy day
forget the numbers. rahhh. i'm too lazy to stick to anything for long. i guess that's one of my worse traits. otherwise i'm perfect.
okay, enough self-effacing. i've been sleeping late lately, and barely getting through. hmmm. i ponned lessons for the past two days. i know i shouldn't, i really shouldn't. but what's one to do when it's just self study time and the teacher just sits there?! "you may approach me if you have any questions..." sure. i have no questions for bio, history, geog, or lang arts. chinese is unstudyable, so that will require alot of prayer. math (with two blardy papers) is annoying. there're so many topics to study for, and each tutorial is like...20 over pages? how does one study math? and practice the amount of stupid revision exercises up on the student portal?! there's one new topic everyday. i promise you we do not all do math like cheryl and do a tutorial a day, but the blardy idierts think we're muggers like her. she has no blardy life! the prcs own her though, and they don't study. [:
so i reckon i'm done! math is just doomed. sigh. i need some major brain capacity to do math. i think i'll go write down all the formulae i've learnt! yes. i need to. i just forget too much. r formula, double angle formula, factor formula, ap/gp formula, etc... i remember and forget when i try to learn something new. and math is double weightage. blardy idierts. why is math so freaking impt?! i want to be a cashier next time. i tell you, i'll go give my teachers a testimonial of sorts. "thanks to you, i can figure out the difference between $2, $5, and $10! thank you so much! i am going to be promoted cos i can count! and i've won the nobel prize for differentiating a one dollar coin from a fifty cent one, and also integrating 6cos3xsin5x which is the price of milk per carton produced from pink cows!"
-grumbles. oh yeah. i left sth incriminating on my personal msg. i shall remove it.
oh. yes, i slept really late on monday. i slept at 4plus am in the morning on monday! haha. i was on the phone from 1plus till then. yeah. it's been awhile since i talked to jo on the phone, so it was quite welcomed, really. too many strange things have been happening. really. it's like... too coincedental. but oh well.
exams are around the corner, and i've dug up several old notes from the past while packing. came across a card the sec2 leaders wrote for me during that exam period. sth sis shufen wrote puts alot of things into perspective. "honour god with your best" somehow it seems so true. it's so often about ourselves, but i guess it's time to know that even as students we can glorify his name. and i came across a card from mr grosse. he was my pri sch english teacher, pri 4-5. and i rem i cried on the last day of sch on pri 5 cos he said he was leaving. well, i liked him alot, and still do. i respect him for the love and compassion he has for his students and his passion for teaching. for a teacher to sit with you in recess and talk to you about soccer and your favourite club, and to tell you on monday that they won over the weekend, i think it speaks alot.
okay, i shall get back to mugging.
8:10 PM
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Sunday, September 24, 2006
005. quizzes
blardy linesman!! ameobi was offside you stupid crosseyed freak. my eyes are larger than yours! rahhh. that's my new insult. toon army of clowns and jokes 1-1 toffees. go everton!!!
i should be sleeping or studying, but i need a break...
so here's some quizzes from random blogs.
What is the phone brand?
se w800i, motorola razrv3i
What's the last digit of your mobile number?
5, 0
What does the 2nd message in your inbox say?
"of course i'm not. yet nothing but the desire for company (i'll take it as an added compliment that you occasionally want mine) would actually induce you to..."
Who's the first person who comes up under the letter M?
mad
Who's the last person you rang?
chermaine.
Who was your last missed call from?
sarrr.
Who's the 2nd person who comes up under D?
danielle. -.-
What does the last message in your inbox say?
"you aren't. cos i say you aren't. if you were, you wouldn't be humouring me. haha. but you're nice so you must be nice to me! yay! isaac has to be nice." [:
Who's the 3rd person who comes up under J?
jas
Go to your Sent Items - what does the 5th message say?
"okay. talk to you some other time then. night dear."
Who's the 4th person who comes up under S?
sarrr.
Who's your network provider?:
singtel, m1.
How many messages are currently in your inbox?
138, 46.
What do you have as your background?
me at sentosa.
Who's the 2nd person who comes up under R?
rachel teo.
Who do you have on speed dial 3?
joanna. [:
Who's the first person who comes up under C?
i selectively chose the other phone, so chloe.
How many bars of signal do you currently have?
5.
What do you have as your ringtone?
always and forever - planetshakers
What do you have as your sms ringtone?
the much loved mosquito ring tone. haha. no more silent mode in class.
01) Single, taken or crushing? taken. duhh.
02) Are you happy with your life now? yeah.
03)When you meet the right person,do you fall in love with her fast? perhaps...
04)Have you ever had your heartbroken? haha. nope. i don't think so.
05)Do you believe there are some circumstances where cheating love is acceptable? ...no?
06)Would you take someone back if she cheats on you? unless you're ____, no.
07)Have you talk bout marriage with another before? does sis' and chermaine's nonsense count?
08)Do you want children? yeahh. i want twins.
09)How many? two.
10)Would you consider adoption? i bet sis came up with this quiz! maybe.
11)If someone liked you right now what do you think is the best way to let you know her feelings? use my intuition and figure it out and scare the person. i am freaky, deal with it...
12)Do you enjoy getting into relationships? yeahh, flings here and there. okay! i'm kidding! friendships.
13)Be honest,what is the furthest you and your ex did? sneak glances across tables! [: hurrr.
14)Do you believe in love at first sight? no. unless you're isaac the female version.
15)Are you romantic? i think i am. (i'm dead honest and frank.)
16)Do you believe you can change someone? definitely...
17)If you could married somewhere,where would it be? i shall not tell you.
18)Do you easily give in when you are fighting? unless you're ____, no.
19)Do you have feelings for someone right now? yeahh. everyone. okay, not really.
20)Have you ever wished that you could have had someone but you messed it up? perhaps...
21)Have you ever broken a heart? yes, and it's not a good feeling. i think you feel worse than the person. rlly.
22)One day your best friend falls in love with the girl you are deeply in love with what would you do? i'll sue bronson for divorce and take all his assets, including the girl. [:
23)Are you missing someone now? ...funny.
rahhh. game starting.
11:54 PM
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004.
i might just reach james bond soon...
rahhhh. wendy and sar are annoying. i see no reason why ppl go ballistic when they realise i know aaron carter lyrics. i'm officially termed a bimbo, but what's new?
and it's now on wendy's personal msg. and sar's personal msg... oh nevermind. those two girls are nuts. they should go study. i'm done with the year's syllabus. i feel good.
i need to do sth tonight. i'm dead boredd. who wants to go out for dinner? [:
i need a best friend that is never studying or taking exams... rahhh.
4:24 PM
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003.
like i promised, no title. titles are a waste of time and effort typing and thinking of titles. so there.
let's see. i met drew in church today. talked to him about different stuff. that's one less person to catch up with, and i'm doing it in the middle of exams. i'm such a genius. but we all knew that alr. [:
decided not to go for ptf, talked to mark, gab and chester before service. apparently chester's understudying...shan?! hahahahaha. okay, i shall not be mean.
service was good. i think pgary's sort of changing the way he preaches...
fuel, then went with the cell to play lan. i lost to mark, for the first time. stupid 3v2 with chen. rahhhh. and i tanked for chester, and abel, in different games. and they do not help. rahh. my lightning revenant is pro-ded. frenzy + buriza + radiance. get owned. except gab's bloodseeker was too well fed. stupid thing. hmph.
went back to serene. got tortured by sis and chermy. annoying people are intent on making me turn red for no apparent reason. i need a gun. went down to play munchkins, was going to win went chet had to leave. bugger. 2 level 18 monsters with 2 wandering monsters?! i would've killed two people!!!! poof.
talked to kev about dota, weird kid he is. then bought dinner, sat with jeann and brian. kev was extremely adamant in proving he was not as scandalous as his level mates. rahh. who goes around putting a girl you like (who is not a celebrity) pic's as your wallpaper! it's just wrong. and they're sec1. goodness. sec1s are scandalous. yes, that includes gracie and someone.
chelsea won 2-0 at fulham. chermaine is being annoying and wants to sleep and refuses to talk to me. she's so going to regret that. i swear sar is weird on sat nights. really.
saarraaahhhh [: says:
heh thts u -.-
saarraaahhhh [: says:
for real
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
i know.
saac. - i lay every burden down at the foot of the Cross. says:
it's my emoticon.
saarraaahhhh [: says:
no lah
saarraaahhhh [: says:
i think the tkg uni is ugly ok
saarraaahhhh [: says:
(XP) thats mine
saarraaahhhh [: says:
see u babe :D
saarraaahhhh [: says:
yes. correct convo
saarraaahhhh [: says:
haha
first nat, and now her. why are girls from my school calling me babe?! arrgh.
no studying today cos of intensive math and geog chionging yday. i need a break. yes, breaks are good. go get kitkats you o level muggers. it helps! went down to serene to studying math with sis yday. then sebas and marcus came and marcus was getting screwed for math. oh the irony. studied from 3:30 - 6:30. went home, dumped math stuff, took geog stuff. headed to boon keng to meet jeann to study. dew ppl were over so she wanted to go out to study, but her parents "quarantined" her to the neighbourhood. haha. ended up at macs again, as kfc was packed. did notes for geog, done with everything but tourism now. yeah. hmmm. talked about stuff and ppl, as usual. headed back home at about 10. left my keys and was locked outside till my mum picked up her handphone. the home phone was engaged. someone was talking to gracie. annoying bugger. i'm so telling kahfei. rahhh.
okay. i need rest. chi tuition tmr, then off to study more.
12:53 AM
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I Shall Stop Giving Titles to My Blogposts
rahhh. chinese mock exam tmr. and everyone's saying that you cannot study for chinese paper 2. it's good cos if i fail i have an excuse. but it sucks also, cos there's a limit on how well i can do with my wonderful natural chinese talent.
double language day tmr. wonderful. double lang arts. double chinese. i think i'm so going to die. i'm done mugging bio for the year. in 2 days. you can only do it if you're saac. well, the foundation and all's done. just got to memorise the details closer to the exam. math is still screwed. i thought i was done, i turn around and look through again, and i forget stuff. ahhh!!! and math is double weightage. i should seriously drop math in ac and take geog instead. rahhh.
750-1345 school
1345-1500 travel home
1500-1600 play dota and win, as usual
1600-1930 nap
1931-1935 panic that i overslept
1935-1948 eat dinner
1948-now bio
now-??? study something, math seems to be calling me
i tell you, once the promos are over i'm going to burn my notes. i'm not going to give anyone my notes. no, no junior or person from church. if not everyone will become as smart as me. haha. i'm not kidding. i shall learn the art of making mental notes so no one can copy. [: i'm a genius.
sarah's propogating her blog address. right. shouldn't she be studying? [:
i think i want a fun loving girl. i'm quite sick of being serious all the time. i need to have fun and just do more stupid stuff. after all, i'm still young. rahh. 16 is old. but shhh. i'm actually 6 only. oh yes, the girl. then we can go out and do stupid stuff. but she still has to be smart. and sporty. i like sports. especially track.
okay. the last paragraph was just cheeky. haha. [:
rahhh. i need a girlfriend. no i'm not despo. -.- i just foresee boredom ahead in the hols, and i need someone to spend time with. it's my great idea, so your comments are not welcomed. shoo.
10:12 PM
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
rahhh
yes. new blog. i don't know how long this will remain under wraps. i think i'll still keep my supposedly public blog, but i think i'll blog more freely here. if you're looking for my musings and whatnot, then it won't fit here.
it's just going to be me and my rants and stuff i want to talk about. yes. this blog is about me. so if you don't want to read, it's not my prob.
haha. i sound like some emokid, and jeann implicitly accused me of being one. hmmm, but i think it's true. really.
i think i'm getting too blardy tired nowadays. keep falling asleep in lessons. no, seriously. i keep dozing off and not focusing. rahhh. what's wrong with me.
i think i'm going to fail math. and mr lim says math is counted double cos we take two math subjects. what crap la. i'm so screwed! i can do math b, but blardy hell not differentiation and integration. rahhh. i hope the person who came up with those topics rots in hell. and he's prob alr dead. haha.
my first post seems so un-me-ish. which is good.
oh, lydia's done with her prelims. was chatting with her on msn in history. haha. i love my tablet. she's packing her room. rahh. the life of o level people. i'd rather take my o's, but noooo, i'm stuck in some stupid programme. sigh.
i need a life.
after the exams, i'm going for a makeover so i'll be unrecognisable. i'll change my personality and all. and be more fun loving. still emo, but i shall not show it. i need to get a best friend. i need to make more superficial friends. i think i'll stop thinking so much. i'll be more hardworking and mug more. i'll be more productive.
yeah. this is life.
10:24 PM
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